Leah's Journal
by Fueled By Dr. Pepper
Summary: Leah and Jake are expecting and well, like any good thing that happens to them, it comes with ups and downs. A old notebook gets new life when Leah decides to chronicle each step inside it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Will be updated each night, some "entries" might be long, others might be short. Leah is a spectrum of emotion. Especially now.  
Also, Mattie is Paul and Rachel Black's son. **

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Day 1:

I really am pregnant. Paul also found this ovulation journal. Hit him over the head with it then decided to turn it into a pregnancy journal. It's a good day.

Been so hungry all this time. Don't know how we're gonna afford food. Especially with all the other stuff we need to get. We can probably get most stuff from when Mattie was small. But if this kid needs this much food now, he or she will need plenty of food (and diapers, fuck me) later.

Jake seems so happy. So is Paul. And Mattie, of course. Everyone is excited. But I want one fucking minute alone with Jake. It's our baby dammit.

Jeez, looking back over that, hormones fuck you up. Gotta get the info Dr. Acula, scratch that, Carlisle told me down before I forget.

BABY STUFFS:

Due date: approx. July 13th

Don't worry about food intake – baby has wolf appetite (fucking awesome)

Should start showing at the end of next week (another plus –insert eyeroll here–)

BONUS! – should feel the baby kick at that time too

BONUS #2 – should hear heartbeat in a few days

Need weekly ultrasounds, might get to learn gender around the 19th. (Happy Father's Day Jakey-Poo)

Well, that all seems so fucking normal. I just wish I could be normal. Not for my comfort but for this baby's. He or she is just another victim of this freak of nature bullshit fate served me. Whatever.

PEACE LOVE & WOVLES,

Leah.


	2. Chapter 2

Day 2:

Okay, I've made sure to take some time to do this journal thing properly. Glancing at the last page, I hated all the choppy sentences and bitchy bullshit. I'm having a baby. I need to look on the bright side.

Starting with Paul. He's kind of a goof and bit off but well, he's become one of our best friends. Yeah he can be annoying but hell, at least he's got a good sense of humor. It's weird, if he's not around, everyone can definitely feel it since everything's quieter, smaller, slower. And sometimes that's good but sometimes it's just boring. We do have our arguments but that's half the fun of having him around. And without him, there'd be no Mattie.

Mattie. MJ. Matthew Jacob Meraz. That cute little kid is what sent my biological clock ticking which led us here. I love him like I will my own. He's my "unofficial" son. He'll be the best older cousin our kid will ever have. So innocent and yet so smart. I'll stop with the gushing; it's making me nauseous. Or is that morning sickness? Anyways, he's a big ol' ball of sunshine and a good little addition to the pack.

Speaking of bright young things, I gotta say Ruby is the pack's optimist. She has this radiance about her and she doesn't let things get her down easily. She's strong in and out. I'm grateful to her for it. She's had our backs every time shit's gone down. Her brain might live in the same gutter as Paul's but she's got that whole "I talk the talk not walk the walk" thing going on. Well, for now. She's young and still getting to know Mr. Prozac, I mean Jasper. Things'll change, that's for sure.

While on the topic of the Cullens might as well give them a shout out, too. Sure, there entire existence is why I can literally change in one huge female dog but they're good people. Shit as many times as we have had to have their backs they've been more than willing to scratch ours – literally and figuratively. (That behind the ear itch is hard to get to even with a massive paw.) Even Bitch Barbie or Rosalie as she's more commonly known is always good for a behind-her-back laugh. Carlisle and Esme are the best I have to say. What with her unending kindness toward 'our kind' and Carlisle moonlighting as my baby doctor now. I can't even hate Bells and Eddie-kins for Nessie's sake (and Mattie's sanity).

Nessie needs her own separate . . . thing. Whatever this is, she gets one for herself. Before there was Mattie, there was Nessie. Cute little thing was always at home here. Yeah it was mainly 'cuz of Jake but she just always fit. My own version of a little sister, she cares for each of us, not despite what we are but because of who we are. Mattie imprinting on her just made her 'officially' belong with us. Those two will only ever need each other to be content.

And now people who can do nothing and still make me smile are on my mind. Jake. Jacob Black. My best friend, my imprint, my baby daddy. Oh yes. Our relationship is built on a healthy balance of love and friendship. (With a good dose of lust thrown in there.) All joking aside, with or without fate's touch, I know we're just meant to be together. He's my everything. I'm just so glad I get to share something as beautiful as having a baby with him.

Baby! We haven't even gotten to you yet. You are the reason for all this madness. With good reason, you're the one thing I've always known I wanted. You give Mommy's life new meaning and force her to look at all these good things she already has. Just one thing: If you found this on your own, what the hell are you doing going through my stuff? Grounded. This instant. If I'm showing you this, by now I'm shaking my head and covering my face, take the time to look at me and have a laugh.

Signing off on a good note,

Leah.


	3. Chapter 3

Day 3:

Yeah, that was definitely morning sickness yesterday. Who was the clever motherfucker that decided to put 'morning' in the title despite it being an all day thing? Gonna rip his ass to shreads.

Admittedly, the combo of 'The Hangover' plus Chinese food might have added to such nausea but I could have slept this off in a nap normally. Instead, I had to watch over as Mattie made cupcakes because I didn't wanna toss my cookies all over the freshly baked goodness. Then it just wouldn't stop!

Jake was right though, this is just a small consequence. And once I thought about the bigger picture, it was more than worth it.

But it did bring up some things I couldn't say out loud then. I'm scared. So scared. Not for me but this baby. My comfort aside, how is the baby? I know Carlisle wouldn't be woken up by any late night house call but it's still inconvenient for him to have some paranoid hormonal wolf girl overreacting. But am I really overreacting? Mattie came out just fine but who can guarantee that my baby will be the same? What horrible things could my fucked up genetics do to him or her? The speed of this pregnancy – is it hurting the baby? Does that mean he or she is gonna be a wolf for sure? I have so many questions and I'm honestly afraid of the possible answers.

Now that all of that is off my chest, I feel better slightly.

While I'm being so honest with myself, I have to admit. I need Jake. Like, not in the usual sense (gutter mind) but just to have him around. I'm really starting to love the idea of moving in. I mean I can't see anything wrong with waking up next to the guy I'm having a kid with. Even if he will sleep a couple more hours after I get up. Plus, he did say he sleeps better when I'm there. It's a win-win situation. I just need a way to bring it up. "Hey Jake, want me to move in?" –morning sickness kicks in because I'm that fucking lucky– "No? Why not?" Maybe it can wait until the morning sickness subsides.

Nauseously,

Leah.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry that I'm backed up on replies to reviews. But I am trying to keep the updates daily if that's any consolation.

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Day 4:

Nauseous and tired. So very tired. Jeez is this how Jake feels all the time? This sucks.

So tired I abandoned writing can came back to it later. Ha ha. The day changed a bit. The newest wonder of pregnancy, mood swings, hit me full force. Crying, joy, weirdness all in a few moments.

The nausea hadn't left no, it joined in first – popping up when Mattie accidently brought up some not so nice images of Eddie-kins and Bella conceiving Nessie while reading to baby. But Paul had this moment where he was really helpful. I forgot how much experience he has with pregnant women. That when hormones decided I should be a blubbering mess. I became the woman of many moods for a while, laughing hugging and just weirding out Ruby, Mattie, and Paul. I had just started wondering where the morning sickness went when I found poor Jakey sick in bed. Laying with him, making him feel a bit better, well it made me feel needed and like I was the only thing that mattered in the world. I liked it.

Once he drifted back off into sleep, I went and had a little bit of food. Nothing big and not too much but something to keep me going. That's when I saw all the books Mattie left behind after he read to the baby. I loved the idea even if it's kinks were still being worked out. I started talking to the baby, beginning with all the basic fairytales I knew. Then I told all the legends of our tribe. I explained what they meant for the pack. I ended with a few stories about us. The basic timeline of who phased first, the situation with the Cullens, how Jake and I became an "us".

When I crawled back into bed with Jake, I fell asleep smiling. I felt like a real mother.

Mom's the word,

Leah.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm sorry for the lack of updates but Leah's been to hell and back.

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Days 5 thru . . . I think 11?

It's safe to say it's been one fucking horrible week. Motherfucking hormones messing with my head were mostly to blame. The bitch inside my head fucked with my common sense and from then, I was running on leftover bits of sanity.

Breath taken, I can write more coherently now.

The nausea combined with insatiable hunger really started the crazy ball rolling.

My brain swirled with all sorts of depressing thoughts; any fears or doubts I had seemed to be magnified thousands of times over. I couldn't take it. I felt horrible and I wondered if I was really fit to be a mother if I couldn't even handle being pregnant. But it didn't stop there, I wondered what I was doing to Jake, forcing him in the role of being a father at so young when he was already carrying the heavy weight of being Alpha. I started panicking so hard, thinking I had just effectively ruined three different lives with one selfish wish. I suddenly got the most outrageous idea that I'd feel better about all of this if I took Jake out of the equation.

I snapped and made a quick decision. I cancelled my ultrasound with Carlisle, left a short note for the pack not to look for me, and booked it to Mom's house – effectively cutting myself off from the world. She was happy about the baby and didn't ask why I was doing what I was doing.

It was hard. Harder than anything I gone through since Dad. I was sicker than ever and I couldn't even muster the energy to figure out why.

Mom tried so hard to try and talk to me but I was far beyond zombie then; all I did was eat and sleep and I ended up sleeping most of the time and waking up only for meals. I can't remember most of what she said. Though I do remember that first day she noticed the bump, which was funny because I hadn't noticed, she hugged me.

In fact, the only really clear memory was when I heard Jake. I was woken up from what I'd guess you'd call an endless nap when I heard his voice. He was trying to convince my mom to let him see me. She kept up what I said I wanted – no visitors. I had changed my mind then but I didn't have the energy to speak up. I heard him plead, saying that if I was asleep and didn't know that it couldn't do any harm to let him just see me, and it nearly killed me to hear the crack in his voice when he finally gave up and said goodbye.

Then today, I woke up in the early morning. No one was up and almost everything was still. I could hear this low but quick thudding though. Like a fast paced clock ticking away half-seconds in another room. I tried thinking my through it, trying to determine what was making the noise but I couldn't. I threw off the blankets of the bed to get up and investigate when I noticed the sound got a slight bit louder.

It hit me. It was the baby's heartbeat. In this crazy fast pregnancy, I'm almost equivalent to three and a half months, it would be on time if not only slightly early. I laid there in complete shock for a few moments then I savored every second I could hear. When everyone else was up and about, it became harder to distinguish and I felt sad.

But it pushed me. I got up and moved for the first time in what seemed to be forever. I showered and when I got out, I looked lovingly at the new curve to my stomach. When I looked up at the mirror though, what I saw horrified me. I looked so tired and world-worn that I felt I looked older. It still had to better than I looked just a short while earlier. And then my mind created a picture of Jake, looking a hundred times worse, sitting at home wondering how I was doing. I got everything together quickly and left a note for Mom. I don't know how long it actually took me to get to Jake's house but it felt too long. I froze right outside his door.

What if he was worse than I thought? Could I handle that? What if he was just fine, would I look stupid? What if, the paranoia that started this mess was back, he got angry and decided if I didn't want him around that he didn't need or want me?

I knocked anyway, just needing one more glimpse of him. He opened the door and we both just looked at each other a moment. He did look a bit like what I thought he would but my mind could never do justice to how good he looked in real life. When he wrapped his arms around me, it took me back to when I first imprinted. I was so scared that I ruined everything and that I was going to lose him forever and he held me so close that night too. It was a great way to spend New Year's Eve. After all the drama of the past few days, it was amazing to have that feeling back. I wanted to stay there in his arms forever.

I couldn't, of course, but we did find a comfortable arrangement on the couch – me sitting a bit awkwardly with him on my side, head pressed to my stomach. His face when he heard the baby's heartbeat was beautiful. His eyes sparkled and I wondered if the child in my womb was going to have those same amazing eyes. He or she is turning out to be one hell of a miracle.

This was a bad week, but I'm putting my money down to say that next week and the weeks after that will be much better.

Heart full of love,

Leah.


	6. Chapter 6

Day 40

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. No, I'm not gonna quote Shakespeare.

It's tomorrow! Sarah is due tomorrow. I'm gonna be a mom! Jake is twitching with excitement. I think Mattie almost burst into song when we were talking about it.

Ruby and most of the Cullen family women have been fluttering in and out, bringing in more gifts each time. I seriously think we're set until she's five.

It's been such a whirlwind, I didn't even see when I last wrote in this journal.

Checking now.

HOLY SHIT, it's been awhile.

I guess I just let the craziness get the best of me. In fact, I'm pretty freaking wiped. Stupid pre-labor. I told Paul yesterday, my pre-labor started then because Sarah knows her mommy. She knows I need one day to worry, one day to rest, and then I'll be good for tomorrow.

These past few days, that's how we've sounded – it's like we know her already, we're just waiting to see and meet her, face to face.

And in that spirit, I want to finish this journal with a letter to her.

Dear Sarah,

I love you. I always knew in my heart that I'd have you and that you'd give my life meaning beyond anything else.

A lot of things I grew up thinking would happen, didn't. A few more things that I never thought could happen; did. But you were the constant dream I wished for.

Your father and I, we decided together to try for you – we knew it'd be work – and we were never more grateful than we found out that our work paid off and we were having you.

It's been about 40 days. Yes, that's a short time but all of this will be explained later. The point is, you have anxiously awaited long before those 40 days and you will always be the greatest thing in the life I have and share with your father.

Beyond us, you have one of the most extensive networks of family and friends who will always be there for you. You are lucky, kid.

I can't plan who you will be or all the details of your life; though I've spent a lot of this time imagining it. I will always want the best for you and work to give you everything I can.

Again, I love you Sarah Black with all my heart and I hope that you'll love me back just as much.

Love from your mommy,

Leah Clearwater.


End file.
